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Where have all my favorite thumbs gone?  I haven't gone this long without being played with since I joined a monastery for 5 years!

-FOX

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Shower Discovery #1: The Handpee

I don't shower often, but when I do, I learn something. Take today for example. I decided to shower because the flies that had been my Smash opponents over this long lonely summer were falling dead because of my stench. Bravely entering the shower cubicle, I prepared for what is undoubtedly one of life's most unpleasant experiences. But just minutes into the ordeal, I made a startling discovery.

I WAS PEEING OUT OF MY RIGHT PINKIE!!!

That's right, folks. As I stood there, my back to the showerhead, water was dripping down the rigid contours of my toned, muscular body in such a perfect way that it was falling off my pinkie in an arc that was unmistakable with the act of urination.

But how can you, too, master the art of the handpee? I've taken the liberty of organizing the process into 5 easy steps:

1) Build up the mental willpower to take part in the horrible American ritual of "showering"

This is no easy feat. It took me literally 8 weeks to prepare myself to take a shower, and that's only because I had no flies left to play Smash with. I hate to be the one to say it, but it's simply impossible to handpee without actually showering. I recommend letting your au naturale body odor fester for at least 5-6 weeks before even thinking about showering. That way, when you do finally shower, at least you'll get the most bang for your buck. Don't be one of those people who showers regularly, regardless of whether or not they smell terrible. Those people are sick.

2) Step foot in the shower stall

Baby steps, people. I know the sight of a shower stall alone is enough to turn many of my fans into terrified little schoolgirls, but if you want to handpee, you are going to have to conquer your fears. Try stepping into the shower stall before the water is running. If it makes you feel more comfortable, keep your clothes on (although they will have to come off in step 3). Try to think about how much fun you are going to have peeing out of your hand, rather than the thought that you may be cleansing yourself.

3) Remove clothing

Self-explanatory; unfortunately skin-tight leotards do NOT make handpeeing possible. There is simply no way around this. You have to be nakey.

4) Turn on the water and stand with your back to the showerhead

For those with huge brass testicles, I recommend making sure the water is a nice, warm temperature first before you get in, otherwise you are going to be really cold or hot initially until the temperature adjusts. For everyone else, I recommend just starting the water once you're inside - nothing will make you lose your nerve more about taking a shower than seeing and hearing the water flow. Just go for it.

5) Extend your arm so that it is at a 45 degree angle to the ground and spread your fingers apart, with the pinkie the lowest finger to the ground.

Pretend there is an invisible midget in the shower with you. Now pretend that you are giving him a handshake. But not just any handshake - a handshake with your fingers spread apart, with the pinkie the lowest finger to the ground.

After following these 5 steps, you should see a spurt of water falling in a graceful arc from the tip of your pinkie. If you see it, congratulations! You are now a Handpee Master (H.M.). If nothing is happening, try repositioning yourself by standing closer or farther from the showerhead. The best chances for success come when you are standing in the biggest flow of water.

Showering is never ideal, but if you can learn how to handpee, it might make it a little less excruciating. Who knows - maybe now that I'm a H.M., I'll start showering once a week just so I can see myself handpee! Granted, it's a long shot, but so is peeing out of your hand. Never give up, never surrender.

-MLH

A successful birthday celebration, and reflections of our own morality

Well, Smash is finally 10.  It feels so weird to say that; it seems like just yesterday I was bringing home my brand new copy of Smash to play for the first time.  How pure and innocent it was then... with pristine zeroes scattered across the data tables, the horrible mario level yet to be unlocked, and four characters yet to be discovered.  How full of intrigue and wonder, without even an option to switch items...

So cute... does Smashie need a new diapie?

Smash is often referred to as a timeless game, but that doesn't mean it will be around forever.  In only 90 years it will be Smash's 100th birthday party, and there's no guarantee that the N64 gaming system will even be able to plug into television sets at that time.  While the game of Smash will never get old, the technology required to support it might.  This shows a gloomy picture for the future of Earth.

I will stand pat against change that may endanger Smash.  I will not tolerate advances in HD, Blu-Ray, or DVD systems that could spell the end of the common man's ability to play Smash.   While games may get prettier, we must always be able to play Smash or we risk losing our souls.

But there is only so much I can do.  I am just a mortal human, and I only have a certain amount of time on this world.  There are a finite number of games of Smash that I can play.  This thought brings a tear to my eye.  Carpe Diem!  Seize the day!  Play as much Smash as possible while you still have the reflexes of a young, supple, smelly college student!

I wonder if there will be Smash in the afterlife.  I have a theory - some may call it a religion, of what happens after you die.  I will share it with you.

Right now.

A very small few of us are Smash saints.  Those of us who play as much Smash as we can, and win the most games, and spread the word of Smash to the most people, can become a Smash saint.  And when Smash saints die, their earthly body will rot - but their spirit will assume the form of a Smash character, who will be in the game forever.

Jigglypuff... Captain Falcon... Luigi... Ness...

Four smash saints.  Their spirits playing in Smash for the rest of time.

There is a rumor that a fifth spot may be saved for the One True Smash Saint (O.T.S.S.).  Master Left Hand (M.L.H.) would like to buy a vowel, and change three letters, to become OTSS one day.

And then I will play, forever.

-MLH

Birthday Preparations

Smash's 10th birthday is just around the corner!  In only TWO DAYS, we will celebrate the most historic day of our lives.. at least until Smash turns 100 in 2099!  THAT will be a crazy party!

There's been so much to do to prepare for Smash's birthday.  First I had to rescue him from President Obama (twice!), then I had to find a laser gun to complete my Fox costume (if only I could grow facial hair EVERYWHERE!!!), then I had to design the picture to go on the Smash Cake.

The design I have now is truly beautiful.  It consists of me, Master Left Hand, in a golden horizon at the top of the cake, holding an N64 controller and looking down on the vast landscape below, where Fox is punching, kicking, shooting, killing, and raping every other Smash character in bloody detail.  Princess Peach sure is lucky she didn't get in this game!  I'll tell you one character who's especially NOT lucky to have been in the original SSB - Yoshi.  Yoshi is getting his eggs stomped on and being raped up the butt by Fox, while he is holding his trusty laser gun right at Yoshi's temple.  Yoshi is crying and Fox is pulling Yoshi's tongue back with his other arm and biting Yoshi's neck so he bleeds.  It is truly awe-inspiring, to say the least.

I've also been busy buying 10 Smash-themed birthday candles, as well as the standard decoration fare: ribbons, banners, confetti galore, etc.  It's going to be so fun!  I can't wait.

And the BEST part about Smash's birthday is that that stupid game NBA Hangtime won't be around to ruin the party!  Hehehehehehehe.

Post a comment if you'd like a facebook invite!  It's going to be the party of the next 90 years!!!

-MLH

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

President Obama has scheming cover-ups!!

Some of you may be aware of the blog that is trying to be everything that this is, but failing.  That blog is this piece of trash. President Obama has committed a number of schemes and cover-ups in his plan to overtake me, so I'd like to show you all the TRUTH in the name of Smash:

I present to you, the people, the injustices committed by President Obama on this day, April 21, 2009:

1) He made a blog about an inferior game (NBA Hangtime) and had numerous grammatical errors in his blog posts.  When these amateur mistakes were brought to his attention (see, "You know what Cohen, your overrated), he hastily made the correction after consulting with dictionary.com for 25 minutes trying to understand what an apostrophe was.  This attempt to sweep his idiocy under the rug has not gone unnoticed, for I have been watching his blog constantly and had a screencap of the spelling error!  However, he sabotaged me and I no longer have evidence.  All I have is the truth.

2) He stole the Super Smash Bros. game cartridge, and left a ransom note on my desk along with a photograph of him holding the game as evidence that it was in his possession.  I don't know how President Obama got in my room, but next time he comes it better be with the Secret Service because he is going to need protection, and not the kind that Master Left Hand keeps at the ready in a box in the second drawer from the bottom.

3) In a sign that his ego is truly going to his head, President Obama is appearing SHIRTLESS on the cover of the May issue of the Washingtonian Magazine!  Cover your eyes! Please, President Obama.  You couldn't even stack up with the sloppily pixelated NBA characters in the game you idolize.  Grow some chest hair, you pathetic excuse for a man.

4) He has vowed to attract more readers to his regurgitated vomit of a blog than mine.

I am asking you, the people, to take the time to click "Subscribe" to the right side of the page and campaign against evil in the form of our President.  Only if we are united can we hope to bring back Smash before its 10th birthday.  Abducting a minor!  If only he couldn't simply issue himself a presidential pardon...

So far, I have one follower.  But it is really I who am following him.  That follower is none other than the one true FOX, the best pilot and fighter in the Smash universe.  If he finds this blog worthy to subscribe to, then you have no choice but to follow.

SUBSCRIBE AND LET US DEFEAT THE PRESIDENT!!!