And the number of bricks in Hyrule Castle is....

424.

If you think I'm wrong, count them yourself!  I had to pause the game over 300 times to get all the angles necessary for the calculations, and there was some estimation involved with the depth of the castle (you never get to see the back side...) but I'm fairly confident of my approximation.  The hardest part was finding how tall the castle was; to do that, I had to pause the game repeatedly as I fell to my death on both sides.  As to the age-old debate of whether to count the "green" bricks: NO.  Those are not part of the Hyrule establishment itself, and furthermore a lot of those bricks seem to exist only in two dimensions.  Also, the spires seem to be composed of partial bricks, which don't count.  I also didn't count the bricks on the steps because those steps are pointless and serve no obvious structural purpose to the castle.  So the number I came up with was only grey bricks.

But feel free to come up with your own estimation!  It really is quite fun once you get the hang of it.  Now I think I'm going to go try out this so-called "fucking myself."  An overwhelming majority of you recommended it to me, and I've been researching the correct technique and I'm now ready to put it into action!  Wish me luck!

The Dark Side of the Kirby

Kirby is a severely troubled individual.  He routinely consumes anything that is placed in front of him, only to unfailing spit it out seconds later.  He commits identity fraud on a whim.  Kirby may hide behind a childlike, playful facade, but make no mistake: the REAL Kirby is a bulimic, criminal psychopath who has no qualms about murdering you in your sleep.

How do I know all of this?  Simple answer: years of observational study.  And this time, I've got the video to prove it.

I discovered the following back in '98, when I was playing Smash with two of my friends.  We will call them Right Hand and Left Foot.  Now I'm good at Twister, but playing Smash with three different limbs at once is not easy.  I was only able to press one button on each controller back then (I've since progressed to the point where I can play at full skill using any limb or phallic anatomical organ), so what happened was complete coincidence.  All three of us were playing as Kirby, and we all started mashing the B button simultaneously, resulting in a horrid re-creation of the Kirby Genocides.  In case you're not as well-read as I am on the subject, the Kirby Genocides were when different colored Kirbys went to war with each other in an attempt to establish one color as the "true" Kirby (if you're wondering who won, look up at the mass-murdering Kirby shown above).  Anyway, you can see video of the Kirby Genocides below, but again I have to warn you not to view if you are under 18.  The music was a propaganda technique to make the Kirby Genocide seem beautiful when it was anything but. 

Chilling to witness

Ok, so the Kirbys may have had a spot of genocide in their short history.  But maybe they're really good at heart?  Perhaps there's still some hope of redemption for the cute pink gasbag?

   I'm cute!

NO.

Just to be sure that Kirby really WAS a mass-murdering, sadistic bastard, I raised a Kirby on my own to see if I could possibly fall in love with it.  I devoted myself to my Kirby, playing with it 18 hours a day in between sleeping and eating and not showering.  I kissed the screen where my Kirby was.  I counted its pixels.  I let it suck up anything its Kirby heart desired.  Then, in a moment that I will always remember, I let my Kirby out into the wild to play with other Kirbys.  If only I could have seen them all getting along, doing cute Kirby things with each other, I could have forgiven the Kirbys for their mass genocide.  But instead, I saw all the other Kirbys gang up and toy with my cute innocent Kirby for sport, tossing him back and forth like he was a piece of meat.  I couldn't watch.  But I did manage to videotape the incident, edit in gangster rap, and upload it to Youtube:

There is no decency

So I hope I've convinced you that inside their cute exterior, there is a vacuum where the Kirby heart should be.  They are the devil reincarnate, and if I can convince even one person not to embrace them as a species, then I have done all the good I can in this world.

This was my good deed for the year, and this is Master Left Hand, signing out

Peace

Coming up next: The morality behind the infamous Donkey Kong suicide

P.S. I'll give you a hint about how many bricks are in Hyrule Castle: It's not "Go Fuck Yourself!"  That's not even a number.

Uncovering the secrets behind Yoshi's rapid metabolism

Yoshi is known for two things: being one of the cutest dinosaurs still in existence, and dooming his species' last hopes of survival by gaily tossing his unhatched eggs at enemies.  But a frequently overlooked facet to Yoshi's existence is the speed at which Yoshi produces his eggs.  When he's not conjuring them out of nowhere and tossing them like exploding grenades (which they shockingly are), Yoshi is eating gorillas and feisty Italian brothers and excreting their remains in the form of a giant, oversized egg (how it all comes out his rear is a matter for another day).  All of this happens in less than 2.5 seconds.  Imagine, having to shit a mere 2.5 seconds after you consume your meal.  It's unbelievable!  Join me as I dive deeper into the mystery of Yoshi's blazing-fast digestion track.

The fastest digestion of any non-dinosaur animal in the world belongs to the smallest bird in existence, a bird so small that thousands can perch on the period at the end of this sentence.  That's right, it's the hummingbird.  

Their hovering ability burns the           Magnification: x1,000,000

most energy/day out of any other type of movement in the universe, an equivalent of roughly 13,000 fully-charged Donkey Punches!  To fuel their infinite-jump ability (which explains why there are no hummingbirds in Smash), they must consume their own body weight's worth of nectar every single day!  So we see that those who have fast metabolisms, need a lot of energy.  Now let's get back to the green woman-pleaser.

        Check out that tongue, ladies.

Earlier I mentioned how Yoshi was able to fully digest his enemies in a matter of seconds.  But what is the energy source requiring this constant digestion of food?  To find out, I conducted an ingenious experiment.

I left my copy of Super Smash Bros. 64 on all night after starting a game at Yoshi's Island with two human-controlled players, a green Yoshi and a pink Yoshi, and I spied on them in their natural habitat from behind a couch.  If you're queasy, you may not want to continue reading, because my findings will shock and appall you.

THEY WERE HAVING SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tried to record video of the incident but my camera was out of battery from my earlier secret videotaping of my roommate doing strange things in his fortress above my bed.  I won't mention his name here to protect his privacy, but Sturt, if you really want to lick your nipple that badly, I can give you some lessons.  I did, however, research on my own about Yoshi's disturbing sexual deviancy and I came across this blatantly offensive bestiality rape video:

Do not watch if under 18

So there you have it, people.  Our beloved, cute, infanticidal Yoshi is secretly having copious amounts of inter-species, unprotected sex which he fuels with energy from digesting less inappropriate characters in Super Smash Bros.  Stop the horror.  Put down your controllers.

Or don't.

I'll leave you with this week's trivia question: How many bricks are in Hyrule's Castle?  It took me a while but I figured it out.  Don't forget the ones on the ground inside the hollow green tower!

Coming up next: How does Kirby's brick move defy physics and hit the opponent UP???  Stay tuned.

This is Master Left Hand, and I'm getting work done tonight,

Peace