The Dark Side of the Kirby

Kirby is a severely troubled individual.  He routinely consumes anything that is placed in front of him, only to unfailing spit it out seconds later.  He commits identity fraud on a whim.  Kirby may hide behind a childlike, playful facade, but make no mistake: the REAL Kirby is a bulimic, criminal psychopath who has no qualms about murdering you in your sleep.

How do I know all of this?  Simple answer: years of observational study.  And this time, I've got the video to prove it.

I discovered the following back in '98, when I was playing Smash with two of my friends.  We will call them Right Hand and Left Foot.  Now I'm good at Twister, but playing Smash with three different limbs at once is not easy.  I was only able to press one button on each controller back then (I've since progressed to the point where I can play at full skill using any limb or phallic anatomical organ), so what happened was complete coincidence.  All three of us were playing as Kirby, and we all started mashing the B button simultaneously, resulting in a horrid re-creation of the Kirby Genocides.  In case you're not as well-read as I am on the subject, the Kirby Genocides were when different colored Kirbys went to war with each other in an attempt to establish one color as the "true" Kirby (if you're wondering who won, look up at the mass-murdering Kirby shown above).  Anyway, you can see video of the Kirby Genocides below, but again I have to warn you not to view if you are under 18.  The music was a propaganda technique to make the Kirby Genocide seem beautiful when it was anything but. 

Chilling to witness

Ok, so the Kirbys may have had a spot of genocide in their short history.  But maybe they're really good at heart?  Perhaps there's still some hope of redemption for the cute pink gasbag?

   I'm cute!

NO.

Just to be sure that Kirby really WAS a mass-murdering, sadistic bastard, I raised a Kirby on my own to see if I could possibly fall in love with it.  I devoted myself to my Kirby, playing with it 18 hours a day in between sleeping and eating and not showering.  I kissed the screen where my Kirby was.  I counted its pixels.  I let it suck up anything its Kirby heart desired.  Then, in a moment that I will always remember, I let my Kirby out into the wild to play with other Kirbys.  If only I could have seen them all getting along, doing cute Kirby things with each other, I could have forgiven the Kirbys for their mass genocide.  But instead, I saw all the other Kirbys gang up and toy with my cute innocent Kirby for sport, tossing him back and forth like he was a piece of meat.  I couldn't watch.  But I did manage to videotape the incident, edit in gangster rap, and upload it to Youtube:

There is no decency

So I hope I've convinced you that inside their cute exterior, there is a vacuum where the Kirby heart should be.  They are the devil reincarnate, and if I can convince even one person not to embrace them as a species, then I have done all the good I can in this world.

This was my good deed for the year, and this is Master Left Hand, signing out

Peace

Coming up next: The morality behind the infamous Donkey Kong suicide

P.S. I'll give you a hint about how many bricks are in Hyrule Castle: It's not "Go Fuck Yourself!"  That's not even a number.