Uncovering the secrets behind Yoshi's rapid metabolism

Yoshi is known for two things: being one of the cutest dinosaurs still in existence, and dooming his species' last hopes of survival by gaily tossing his unhatched eggs at enemies.  But a frequently overlooked facet to Yoshi's existence is the speed at which Yoshi produces his eggs.  When he's not conjuring them out of nowhere and tossing them like exploding grenades (which they shockingly are), Yoshi is eating gorillas and feisty Italian brothers and excreting their remains in the form of a giant, oversized egg (how it all comes out his rear is a matter for another day).  All of this happens in less than 2.5 seconds.  Imagine, having to shit a mere 2.5 seconds after you consume your meal.  It's unbelievable!  Join me as I dive deeper into the mystery of Yoshi's blazing-fast digestion track.

The fastest digestion of any non-dinosaur animal in the world belongs to the smallest bird in existence, a bird so small that thousands can perch on the period at the end of this sentence.  That's right, it's the hummingbird.  

Their hovering ability burns the           Magnification: x1,000,000

most energy/day out of any other type of movement in the universe, an equivalent of roughly 13,000 fully-charged Donkey Punches!  To fuel their infinite-jump ability (which explains why there are no hummingbirds in Smash), they must consume their own body weight's worth of nectar every single day!  So we see that those who have fast metabolisms, need a lot of energy.  Now let's get back to the green woman-pleaser.

        Check out that tongue, ladies.

Earlier I mentioned how Yoshi was able to fully digest his enemies in a matter of seconds.  But what is the energy source requiring this constant digestion of food?  To find out, I conducted an ingenious experiment.

I left my copy of Super Smash Bros. 64 on all night after starting a game at Yoshi's Island with two human-controlled players, a green Yoshi and a pink Yoshi, and I spied on them in their natural habitat from behind a couch.  If you're queasy, you may not want to continue reading, because my findings will shock and appall you.

THEY WERE HAVING SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tried to record video of the incident but my camera was out of battery from my earlier secret videotaping of my roommate doing strange things in his fortress above my bed.  I won't mention his name here to protect his privacy, but Sturt, if you really want to lick your nipple that badly, I can give you some lessons.  I did, however, research on my own about Yoshi's disturbing sexual deviancy and I came across this blatantly offensive bestiality rape video:

Do not watch if under 18

So there you have it, people.  Our beloved, cute, infanticidal Yoshi is secretly having copious amounts of inter-species, unprotected sex which he fuels with energy from digesting less inappropriate characters in Super Smash Bros.  Stop the horror.  Put down your controllers.

Or don't.

I'll leave you with this week's trivia question: How many bricks are in Hyrule's Castle?  It took me a while but I figured it out.  Don't forget the ones on the ground inside the hollow green tower!

Coming up next: How does Kirby's brick move defy physics and hit the opponent UP???  Stay tuned.

This is Master Left Hand, and I'm getting work done tonight,

Peace