A successful birthday celebration, and reflections of our own morality

Well, Smash is finally 10.  It feels so weird to say that; it seems like just yesterday I was bringing home my brand new copy of Smash to play for the first time.  How pure and innocent it was then... with pristine zeroes scattered across the data tables, the horrible mario level yet to be unlocked, and four characters yet to be discovered.  How full of intrigue and wonder, without even an option to switch items...

So cute... does Smashie need a new diapie?

Smash is often referred to as a timeless game, but that doesn't mean it will be around forever.  In only 90 years it will be Smash's 100th birthday party, and there's no guarantee that the N64 gaming system will even be able to plug into television sets at that time.  While the game of Smash will never get old, the technology required to support it might.  This shows a gloomy picture for the future of Earth.

I will stand pat against change that may endanger Smash.  I will not tolerate advances in HD, Blu-Ray, or DVD systems that could spell the end of the common man's ability to play Smash.   While games may get prettier, we must always be able to play Smash or we risk losing our souls.

But there is only so much I can do.  I am just a mortal human, and I only have a certain amount of time on this world.  There are a finite number of games of Smash that I can play.  This thought brings a tear to my eye.  Carpe Diem!  Seize the day!  Play as much Smash as possible while you still have the reflexes of a young, supple, smelly college student!

I wonder if there will be Smash in the afterlife.  I have a theory - some may call it a religion, of what happens after you die.  I will share it with you.

Right now.

A very small few of us are Smash saints.  Those of us who play as much Smash as we can, and win the most games, and spread the word of Smash to the most people, can become a Smash saint.  And when Smash saints die, their earthly body will rot - but their spirit will assume the form of a Smash character, who will be in the game forever.

Jigglypuff... Captain Falcon... Luigi... Ness...

Four smash saints.  Their spirits playing in Smash for the rest of time.

There is a rumor that a fifth spot may be saved for the One True Smash Saint (O.T.S.S.).  Master Left Hand (M.L.H.) would like to buy a vowel, and change three letters, to become OTSS one day.

And then I will play, forever.

-MLH

Birthday Preparations

Smash's 10th birthday is just around the corner!  In only TWO DAYS, we will celebrate the most historic day of our lives.. at least until Smash turns 100 in 2099!  THAT will be a crazy party!

There's been so much to do to prepare for Smash's birthday.  First I had to rescue him from President Obama (twice!), then I had to find a laser gun to complete my Fox costume (if only I could grow facial hair EVERYWHERE!!!), then I had to design the picture to go on the Smash Cake.

The design I have now is truly beautiful.  It consists of me, Master Left Hand, in a golden horizon at the top of the cake, holding an N64 controller and looking down on the vast landscape below, where Fox is punching, kicking, shooting, killing, and raping every other Smash character in bloody detail.  Princess Peach sure is lucky she didn't get in this game!  I'll tell you one character who's especially NOT lucky to have been in the original SSB - Yoshi.  Yoshi is getting his eggs stomped on and being raped up the butt by Fox, while he is holding his trusty laser gun right at Yoshi's temple.  Yoshi is crying and Fox is pulling Yoshi's tongue back with his other arm and biting Yoshi's neck so he bleeds.  It is truly awe-inspiring, to say the least.

I've also been busy buying 10 Smash-themed birthday candles, as well as the standard decoration fare: ribbons, banners, confetti galore, etc.  It's going to be so fun!  I can't wait.

And the BEST part about Smash's birthday is that that stupid game NBA Hangtime won't be around to ruin the party!  Hehehehehehehe.

Post a comment if you'd like a facebook invite!  It's going to be the party of the next 90 years!!!

-MLH

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

President Obama has scheming cover-ups!!

Some of you may be aware of the blog that is trying to be everything that this is, but failing.  That blog is this piece of trash. President Obama has committed a number of schemes and cover-ups in his plan to overtake me, so I'd like to show you all the TRUTH in the name of Smash:

I present to you, the people, the injustices committed by President Obama on this day, April 21, 2009:

1) He made a blog about an inferior game (NBA Hangtime) and had numerous grammatical errors in his blog posts.  When these amateur mistakes were brought to his attention (see, "You know what Cohen, your overrated), he hastily made the correction after consulting with dictionary.com for 25 minutes trying to understand what an apostrophe was.  This attempt to sweep his idiocy under the rug has not gone unnoticed, for I have been watching his blog constantly and had a screencap of the spelling error!  However, he sabotaged me and I no longer have evidence.  All I have is the truth.

2) He stole the Super Smash Bros. game cartridge, and left a ransom note on my desk along with a photograph of him holding the game as evidence that it was in his possession.  I don't know how President Obama got in my room, but next time he comes it better be with the Secret Service because he is going to need protection, and not the kind that Master Left Hand keeps at the ready in a box in the second drawer from the bottom.

3) In a sign that his ego is truly going to his head, President Obama is appearing SHIRTLESS on the cover of the May issue of the Washingtonian Magazine!  Cover your eyes! Please, President Obama.  You couldn't even stack up with the sloppily pixelated NBA characters in the game you idolize.  Grow some chest hair, you pathetic excuse for a man.

4) He has vowed to attract more readers to his regurgitated vomit of a blog than mine.

I am asking you, the people, to take the time to click "Subscribe" to the right side of the page and campaign against evil in the form of our President.  Only if we are united can we hope to bring back Smash before its 10th birthday.  Abducting a minor!  If only he couldn't simply issue himself a presidential pardon...

So far, I have one follower.  But it is really I who am following him.  That follower is none other than the one true FOX, the best pilot and fighter in the Smash universe.  If he finds this blog worthy to subscribe to, then you have no choice but to follow.

SUBSCRIBE AND LET US DEFEAT THE PRESIDENT!!!

Subscribe NOW for real-time updates on the Search for Smash!

SMASH STOLEN!!!

I have very sad news for all the loyal Smash fans reading this blog.  I'm sure you have all been inspired by President Obama's meteoric ascent to the presidency and the change that he has brought to the Oval Office.  Personally, I have canvassed for him and sent donations his way for over a year to help get him to where he is now.  And during that long road to the White House, ugly rumors began to surface: that he was a Muslim.  That he was not loyal to the United States of America.  That he was ineligible to be President.

I can now tell you that none of those things are true.  We have, however, ELECTED A TRAITOR!

PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS STOLEN SUPER SMASH BROS.!!!

It appears that he has some connection to the laughably inferior N64 game NBA Hangtime, based on this blog post:

http://nbahangtimerules.blogspot.com/

In that post, he makes false allegations about me stealing the game NBA Hangtime.  It would be beneath me to steal such a horribly designed game when I could be playing G-d's gift to humanity instead.  Clearly it doesn't make any sense why I would take NBA Hangtime - although I may have returned it to its rightful owner in pursuit of justice!

My commitment to justice continues as I quest to recover the stolen Smash game.  Any information as to the whereabouts of the President of the United States are appreciated.  Please post them in the comments section.

LET'S BRING SMASH HOME FOR ITS 10TH BIRTHDAY!!!

Smash turns 10!!!

On this day, April 26, 1999, a game came to North America that would forever change our lives.  This game... was SUPPPERRR SMASSSSHHHH BROOTHHHERRSSSS!!!! People around the world will celebrate this historic event.  Find a party near you!