Shower Discovery #1: The Handpee

I don't shower often, but when I do, I learn something. Take today for example. I decided to shower because the flies that had been my Smash opponents over this long lonely summer were falling dead because of my stench. Bravely entering the shower cubicle, I prepared for what is undoubtedly one of life's most unpleasant experiences. But just minutes into the ordeal, I made a startling discovery.

I WAS PEEING OUT OF MY RIGHT PINKIE!!!

That's right, folks. As I stood there, my back to the showerhead, water was dripping down the rigid contours of my toned, muscular body in such a perfect way that it was falling off my pinkie in an arc that was unmistakable with the act of urination.

But how can you, too, master the art of the handpee? I've taken the liberty of organizing the process into 5 easy steps:

1) Build up the mental willpower to take part in the horrible American ritual of "showering"

This is no easy feat. It took me literally 8 weeks to prepare myself to take a shower, and that's only because I had no flies left to play Smash with. I hate to be the one to say it, but it's simply impossible to handpee without actually showering. I recommend letting your au naturale body odor fester for at least 5-6 weeks before even thinking about showering. That way, when you do finally shower, at least you'll get the most bang for your buck. Don't be one of those people who showers regularly, regardless of whether or not they smell terrible. Those people are sick.

2) Step foot in the shower stall

Baby steps, people. I know the sight of a shower stall alone is enough to turn many of my fans into terrified little schoolgirls, but if you want to handpee, you are going to have to conquer your fears. Try stepping into the shower stall before the water is running. If it makes you feel more comfortable, keep your clothes on (although they will have to come off in step 3). Try to think about how much fun you are going to have peeing out of your hand, rather than the thought that you may be cleansing yourself.

3) Remove clothing

Self-explanatory; unfortunately skin-tight leotards do NOT make handpeeing possible. There is simply no way around this. You have to be nakey.

4) Turn on the water and stand with your back to the showerhead

For those with huge brass testicles, I recommend making sure the water is a nice, warm temperature first before you get in, otherwise you are going to be really cold or hot initially until the temperature adjusts. For everyone else, I recommend just starting the water once you're inside - nothing will make you lose your nerve more about taking a shower than seeing and hearing the water flow. Just go for it.

5) Extend your arm so that it is at a 45 degree angle to the ground and spread your fingers apart, with the pinkie the lowest finger to the ground.

Pretend there is an invisible midget in the shower with you. Now pretend that you are giving him a handshake. But not just any handshake - a handshake with your fingers spread apart, with the pinkie the lowest finger to the ground.

After following these 5 steps, you should see a spurt of water falling in a graceful arc from the tip of your pinkie. If you see it, congratulations! You are now a Handpee Master (H.M.). If nothing is happening, try repositioning yourself by standing closer or farther from the showerhead. The best chances for success come when you are standing in the biggest flow of water.

Showering is never ideal, but if you can learn how to handpee, it might make it a little less excruciating. Who knows - maybe now that I'm a H.M., I'll start showering once a week just so I can see myself handpee! Granted, it's a long shot, but so is peeing out of your hand. Never give up, never surrender.

-MLH

A successful birthday celebration, and reflections of our own morality

Well, Smash is finally 10.  It feels so weird to say that; it seems like just yesterday I was bringing home my brand new copy of Smash to play for the first time.  How pure and innocent it was then... with pristine zeroes scattered across the data tables, the horrible mario level yet to be unlocked, and four characters yet to be discovered.  How full of intrigue and wonder, without even an option to switch items...

So cute... does Smashie need a new diapie?

Smash is often referred to as a timeless game, but that doesn't mean it will be around forever.  In only 90 years it will be Smash's 100th birthday party, and there's no guarantee that the N64 gaming system will even be able to plug into television sets at that time.  While the game of Smash will never get old, the technology required to support it might.  This shows a gloomy picture for the future of Earth.

I will stand pat against change that may endanger Smash.  I will not tolerate advances in HD, Blu-Ray, or DVD systems that could spell the end of the common man's ability to play Smash.   While games may get prettier, we must always be able to play Smash or we risk losing our souls.

But there is only so much I can do.  I am just a mortal human, and I only have a certain amount of time on this world.  There are a finite number of games of Smash that I can play.  This thought brings a tear to my eye.  Carpe Diem!  Seize the day!  Play as much Smash as possible while you still have the reflexes of a young, supple, smelly college student!

I wonder if there will be Smash in the afterlife.  I have a theory - some may call it a religion, of what happens after you die.  I will share it with you.

Right now.

A very small few of us are Smash saints.  Those of us who play as much Smash as we can, and win the most games, and spread the word of Smash to the most people, can become a Smash saint.  And when Smash saints die, their earthly body will rot - but their spirit will assume the form of a Smash character, who will be in the game forever.

Jigglypuff... Captain Falcon... Luigi... Ness...

Four smash saints.  Their spirits playing in Smash for the rest of time.

There is a rumor that a fifth spot may be saved for the One True Smash Saint (O.T.S.S.).  Master Left Hand (M.L.H.) would like to buy a vowel, and change three letters, to become OTSS one day.

And then I will play, forever.

-MLH

Birthday Preparations

Smash's 10th birthday is just around the corner!  In only TWO DAYS, we will celebrate the most historic day of our lives.. at least until Smash turns 100 in 2099!  THAT will be a crazy party!

There's been so much to do to prepare for Smash's birthday.  First I had to rescue him from President Obama (twice!), then I had to find a laser gun to complete my Fox costume (if only I could grow facial hair EVERYWHERE!!!), then I had to design the picture to go on the Smash Cake.

The design I have now is truly beautiful.  It consists of me, Master Left Hand, in a golden horizon at the top of the cake, holding an N64 controller and looking down on the vast landscape below, where Fox is punching, kicking, shooting, killing, and raping every other Smash character in bloody detail.  Princess Peach sure is lucky she didn't get in this game!  I'll tell you one character who's especially NOT lucky to have been in the original SSB - Yoshi.  Yoshi is getting his eggs stomped on and being raped up the butt by Fox, while he is holding his trusty laser gun right at Yoshi's temple.  Yoshi is crying and Fox is pulling Yoshi's tongue back with his other arm and biting Yoshi's neck so he bleeds.  It is truly awe-inspiring, to say the least.

I've also been busy buying 10 Smash-themed birthday candles, as well as the standard decoration fare: ribbons, banners, confetti galore, etc.  It's going to be so fun!  I can't wait.

And the BEST part about Smash's birthday is that that stupid game NBA Hangtime won't be around to ruin the party!  Hehehehehehehe.

Post a comment if you'd like a facebook invite!  It's going to be the party of the next 90 years!!!

-MLH

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

SMASH HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!!

President Obama has scheming cover-ups!!

Some of you may be aware of the blog that is trying to be everything that this is, but failing.  That blog is this piece of trash. President Obama has committed a number of schemes and cover-ups in his plan to overtake me, so I'd like to show you all the TRUTH in the name of Smash:

I present to you, the people, the injustices committed by President Obama on this day, April 21, 2009:

1) He made a blog about an inferior game (NBA Hangtime) and had numerous grammatical errors in his blog posts.  When these amateur mistakes were brought to his attention (see, "You know what Cohen, your overrated), he hastily made the correction after consulting with dictionary.com for 25 minutes trying to understand what an apostrophe was.  This attempt to sweep his idiocy under the rug has not gone unnoticed, for I have been watching his blog constantly and had a screencap of the spelling error!  However, he sabotaged me and I no longer have evidence.  All I have is the truth.

2) He stole the Super Smash Bros. game cartridge, and left a ransom note on my desk along with a photograph of him holding the game as evidence that it was in his possession.  I don't know how President Obama got in my room, but next time he comes it better be with the Secret Service because he is going to need protection, and not the kind that Master Left Hand keeps at the ready in a box in the second drawer from the bottom.

3) In a sign that his ego is truly going to his head, President Obama is appearing SHIRTLESS on the cover of the May issue of the Washingtonian Magazine!  Cover your eyes! Please, President Obama.  You couldn't even stack up with the sloppily pixelated NBA characters in the game you idolize.  Grow some chest hair, you pathetic excuse for a man.

4) He has vowed to attract more readers to his regurgitated vomit of a blog than mine.

I am asking you, the people, to take the time to click "Subscribe" to the right side of the page and campaign against evil in the form of our President.  Only if we are united can we hope to bring back Smash before its 10th birthday.  Abducting a minor!  If only he couldn't simply issue himself a presidential pardon...

So far, I have one follower.  But it is really I who am following him.  That follower is none other than the one true FOX, the best pilot and fighter in the Smash universe.  If he finds this blog worthy to subscribe to, then you have no choice but to follow.

SUBSCRIBE AND LET US DEFEAT THE PRESIDENT!!!

Subscribe NOW for real-time updates on the Search for Smash!

SMASH STOLEN!!!

I have very sad news for all the loyal Smash fans reading this blog.  I'm sure you have all been inspired by President Obama's meteoric ascent to the presidency and the change that he has brought to the Oval Office.  Personally, I have canvassed for him and sent donations his way for over a year to help get him to where he is now.  And during that long road to the White House, ugly rumors began to surface: that he was a Muslim.  That he was not loyal to the United States of America.  That he was ineligible to be President.

I can now tell you that none of those things are true.  We have, however, ELECTED A TRAITOR!

PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS STOLEN SUPER SMASH BROS.!!!

It appears that he has some connection to the laughably inferior N64 game NBA Hangtime, based on this blog post:

http://nbahangtimerules.blogspot.com/

In that post, he makes false allegations about me stealing the game NBA Hangtime.  It would be beneath me to steal such a horribly designed game when I could be playing G-d's gift to humanity instead.  Clearly it doesn't make any sense why I would take NBA Hangtime - although I may have returned it to its rightful owner in pursuit of justice!

My commitment to justice continues as I quest to recover the stolen Smash game.  Any information as to the whereabouts of the President of the United States are appreciated.  Please post them in the comments section.

LET'S BRING SMASH HOME FOR ITS 10TH BIRTHDAY!!!

Smash turns 10!!!

On this day, April 26, 1999, a game came to North America that would forever change our lives.  This game... was SUPPPERRR SMASSSSHHHH BROOTHHHERRSSSS!!!! People around the world will celebrate this historic event.  Find a party near you!

Is the DK suicide OK?

I have no nipples!

Any experienced Smash player knows of the Donkey Kong suicide.  That's where DK grabs his opponent and carries the flailing, helpless creature over the edge of the map in a straight descent to hell.  DK usually performs this move when any one of the following conditions are met:

a) He has more lives than his opponent in a two-player match

b) He has significantly more damage than his opponent at the time of the suicide

c) He is feeling like a douche

The DK suicide is a very effective way for killing an enemy, provided that the grab occurs near the ledge.  If the grab is made too far away from the ledge, the other character can squirm away and save himself before DK falls to the bottom of the map.  A fun variation of the DK Suicide is the DK Suicide-Not!, in which DK grabs an opponent on the DK level and falls into the barrel below, leaving the opponent to continue falling to his doom.  Successful executions of the DK Suicide-Not! must be followed by excessive "OOOOOOHHH!!"ing and optional orgasm noises.

DK has been committing murder-suicide for years, but lately his tactics are being called into question.  The UN had this to say about the DK suicide: "The United Nations condemns suicide attacks in all its forms, whether it's committed by radical Islamic terrorists or by a naked gorilla wearing an unnecessary tie."  DK offered this in response: "Eeerggh" followed by a shrug of the shoulders.  The intellectual debate continues.

I feel I am qualified to weigh in on the matter, seeing as how I personally have sent dozens of Donkey Kongs to their death clutching a helpless, usually undamaged victim.  The Donkey Kong suicide is part of the game, and should be frowned upon no more than my own hygiene habits.

If DK wants to kill himself, he should be allowed to.  That's why we have youth in Asia.  And if he takes someone down with him, then good for him!  He's accomplished the main goal of the game!  I would allow myself to be carried off a cliff by DK (of course, I would have the skills to squirm away and leap back to safety), so I wouldn't expect anything less than any other Smash characters.  Super Smash Bros. is not for children, and if anyone has a problem with it, then they shouldn't be playing!  It is a tough, bloody, Yoshi-eats-anything world and there is no room for pussies.  Except Samus.  And arguably Jigglypuff.

This week's trivia question is a doozie.  I encourage you all to vote for one of the options that doesn't say "Go Fuck Yourself."

Coming up next: An in-depth study of the rapidly fluctuating head sizes of each of the Smash characters.  Mario and Yoshi will surprise you!

This is Master Left Hand, and this is your face, and this is Master Left Hand shoving Smash knowledge down your throat, and this is you performing fellatio on Master Left Hand's middle finger in gratitude.  And this is Master Left Hand liking it.  Peace.

And the number of bricks in Hyrule Castle is....

424.

If you think I'm wrong, count them yourself!  I had to pause the game over 300 times to get all the angles necessary for the calculations, and there was some estimation involved with the depth of the castle (you never get to see the back side...) but I'm fairly confident of my approximation.  The hardest part was finding how tall the castle was; to do that, I had to pause the game repeatedly as I fell to my death on both sides.  As to the age-old debate of whether to count the "green" bricks: NO.  Those are not part of the Hyrule establishment itself, and furthermore a lot of those bricks seem to exist only in two dimensions.  Also, the spires seem to be composed of partial bricks, which don't count.  I also didn't count the bricks on the steps because those steps are pointless and serve no obvious structural purpose to the castle.  So the number I came up with was only grey bricks.

But feel free to come up with your own estimation!  It really is quite fun once you get the hang of it.  Now I think I'm going to go try out this so-called "fucking myself."  An overwhelming majority of you recommended it to me, and I've been researching the correct technique and I'm now ready to put it into action!  Wish me luck!

The Dark Side of the Kirby

Kirby is a severely troubled individual.  He routinely consumes anything that is placed in front of him, only to unfailing spit it out seconds later.  He commits identity fraud on a whim.  Kirby may hide behind a childlike, playful facade, but make no mistake: the REAL Kirby is a bulimic, criminal psychopath who has no qualms about murdering you in your sleep.

How do I know all of this?  Simple answer: years of observational study.  And this time, I've got the video to prove it.

I discovered the following back in '98, when I was playing Smash with two of my friends.  We will call them Right Hand and Left Foot.  Now I'm good at Twister, but playing Smash with three different limbs at once is not easy.  I was only able to press one button on each controller back then (I've since progressed to the point where I can play at full skill using any limb or phallic anatomical organ), so what happened was complete coincidence.  All three of us were playing as Kirby, and we all started mashing the B button simultaneously, resulting in a horrid re-creation of the Kirby Genocides.  In case you're not as well-read as I am on the subject, the Kirby Genocides were when different colored Kirbys went to war with each other in an attempt to establish one color as the "true" Kirby (if you're wondering who won, look up at the mass-murdering Kirby shown above).  Anyway, you can see video of the Kirby Genocides below, but again I have to warn you not to view if you are under 18.  The music was a propaganda technique to make the Kirby Genocide seem beautiful when it was anything but. 

Chilling to witness

Ok, so the Kirbys may have had a spot of genocide in their short history.  But maybe they're really good at heart?  Perhaps there's still some hope of redemption for the cute pink gasbag?

   I'm cute!

NO.

Just to be sure that Kirby really WAS a mass-murdering, sadistic bastard, I raised a Kirby on my own to see if I could possibly fall in love with it.  I devoted myself to my Kirby, playing with it 18 hours a day in between sleeping and eating and not showering.  I kissed the screen where my Kirby was.  I counted its pixels.  I let it suck up anything its Kirby heart desired.  Then, in a moment that I will always remember, I let my Kirby out into the wild to play with other Kirbys.  If only I could have seen them all getting along, doing cute Kirby things with each other, I could have forgiven the Kirbys for their mass genocide.  But instead, I saw all the other Kirbys gang up and toy with my cute innocent Kirby for sport, tossing him back and forth like he was a piece of meat.  I couldn't watch.  But I did manage to videotape the incident, edit in gangster rap, and upload it to Youtube:

There is no decency

So I hope I've convinced you that inside their cute exterior, there is a vacuum where the Kirby heart should be.  They are the devil reincarnate, and if I can convince even one person not to embrace them as a species, then I have done all the good I can in this world.

This was my good deed for the year, and this is Master Left Hand, signing out

Peace

Coming up next: The morality behind the infamous Donkey Kong suicide

P.S. I'll give you a hint about how many bricks are in Hyrule Castle: It's not "Go Fuck Yourself!"  That's not even a number.

Uncovering the secrets behind Yoshi's rapid metabolism

Yoshi is known for two things: being one of the cutest dinosaurs still in existence, and dooming his species' last hopes of survival by gaily tossing his unhatched eggs at enemies.  But a frequently overlooked facet to Yoshi's existence is the speed at which Yoshi produces his eggs.  When he's not conjuring them out of nowhere and tossing them like exploding grenades (which they shockingly are), Yoshi is eating gorillas and feisty Italian brothers and excreting their remains in the form of a giant, oversized egg (how it all comes out his rear is a matter for another day).  All of this happens in less than 2.5 seconds.  Imagine, having to shit a mere 2.5 seconds after you consume your meal.  It's unbelievable!  Join me as I dive deeper into the mystery of Yoshi's blazing-fast digestion track.

The fastest digestion of any non-dinosaur animal in the world belongs to the smallest bird in existence, a bird so small that thousands can perch on the period at the end of this sentence.  That's right, it's the hummingbird.  

Their hovering ability burns the           Magnification: x1,000,000

most energy/day out of any other type of movement in the universe, an equivalent of roughly 13,000 fully-charged Donkey Punches!  To fuel their infinite-jump ability (which explains why there are no hummingbirds in Smash), they must consume their own body weight's worth of nectar every single day!  So we see that those who have fast metabolisms, need a lot of energy.  Now let's get back to the green woman-pleaser.

        Check out that tongue, ladies.

Earlier I mentioned how Yoshi was able to fully digest his enemies in a matter of seconds.  But what is the energy source requiring this constant digestion of food?  To find out, I conducted an ingenious experiment.

I left my copy of Super Smash Bros. 64 on all night after starting a game at Yoshi's Island with two human-controlled players, a green Yoshi and a pink Yoshi, and I spied on them in their natural habitat from behind a couch.  If you're queasy, you may not want to continue reading, because my findings will shock and appall you.

THEY WERE HAVING SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tried to record video of the incident but my camera was out of battery from my earlier secret videotaping of my roommate doing strange things in his fortress above my bed.  I won't mention his name here to protect his privacy, but Sturt, if you really want to lick your nipple that badly, I can give you some lessons.  I did, however, research on my own about Yoshi's disturbing sexual deviancy and I came across this blatantly offensive bestiality rape video:

Do not watch if under 18

So there you have it, people.  Our beloved, cute, infanticidal Yoshi is secretly having copious amounts of inter-species, unprotected sex which he fuels with energy from digesting less inappropriate characters in Super Smash Bros.  Stop the horror.  Put down your controllers.

Or don't.

I'll leave you with this week's trivia question: How many bricks are in Hyrule's Castle?  It took me a while but I figured it out.  Don't forget the ones on the ground inside the hollow green tower!

Coming up next: How does Kirby's brick move defy physics and hit the opponent UP???  Stay tuned.

This is Master Left Hand, and I'm getting work done tonight,

Peace